My Kingdom’s Call Story

It was the end of December 2016…

I was feeling thankful the Bible study I was teaching had ended, as I had been struggling for quite some time with my group, my relationship with the church, the beliefs being taught in the church and my walk with God. For some unkown reason, I felt distant and detached from my calling. There came a point when I noticed I was constantly blaming myself, feeling as though I had not given enough or prayed enough to sustain my spiritual walk. Nonetheless, I pressed on and continued to pray and study, but I was unable to feel real peace or understanding.

Something was missing. I found myself repenting over every little perceived failing. I even pondered that perhaps there could be something deep inside that I may have been unaware of that I needed to make right in order to gain favor with God, but what could it be? Again, I was thinking in terms of my spiritual walk and not finding answers. I became completely emotionally exhausted and mentally drained. One day, in the midst of this dreadful weariness, I remember thinking; How could this be about me not doing enough? I have prayed, confessed and repented to the point of utter silliness, but to no avail. Surely there is something I’m missing, I cried out, but it remained a mystery. Little did I know that I was about to find out.

As I sat in my “quietness”, I felt this urge to research my church, even though the pastor had warned against it. He compared it to joining the devil in his workshop to do so. I had no inkling that I would soon learn why he made this statement. When I began, I had no expectations whatsoever. If I had, I may have thought better of it because, I would soon find myself in an even deeper state of despair. My research led me to discover some seriously distressing things about my church that shocked me to my core.

I shared what I had learned with a few of my inner circle of friends and many listened, but it was clear they were not receiving what I had to say about what I had uncovered with the same sense of disbelief and concern. Regardless, I had this overwhelming desire to keep seeking the truth despite having not been taken seriously.

I remember questioning why my inner turmoil was becoming worse. On August 4, 2016, in total despair, I wrote a letter to God (as if He hadn’t heard me already). I suppose it made me feel better to compose my thoughts and write them out. And yes, I believe a part of me felt the need to host a bit of a pity party as well. I expressed to God that I felt so rejected in many areas of my life and how I was overwhelmed by what I was encountering in this new strange journey of discovery. It hurt me to realize I had no real support in this effort and the revelations of my research were becoming an unbearable burden. However, amazing as it sounds, I was absolutely positive in my spirit that God had led me to uncover the information in order to reveal to me exactly what I needed to know to free me from this emptiness, hurt and confusion I was experiencing.

And that was just my spiritual reaction. What about my flesh? Oh, it was screaming to quit while I was ahead. Many who knew me felt it was crazy for me to be doing so much research, writing and constantly immersing myself in this search for truth. The often repeated comment about me was, “I was out of sight because God had taken me underground.” In reality, I wasn’t “underground”. I was in my home, out of human sight but I was fully exposed to Him and completely committed to this mission. I had chosen to give up everything in order to find the answer as to why I was feeling such inner turmoil. As the process unfolded, I began to see that my Father was right there with me. Often when God is at the forefront of your life there are times when it doesn’t look or seem normal, because of course, it isn’t. It’s clearly supernatural.

Nonetheless, many friends continued to believe I was totally over-doing this “God thing”, but again, in my spirit, I knew different and I refused to give up my quest for truth. The cost was bearing the negative comments and watching good friends retreat from regular fellowship because of their discomfort with my behavior. I was feeling lonely and craved human interaction, understanding and comfort, but I pressed on. Why? Because the inner turmoil of not being in sync with the Father was greater.

As I continued to search the Word of God to discern the truth about what I had uncovered, I noticed that I was gaining deeper understanding which in turn left me longing for more. This longing became stronger than I had ever known in the past and my determination to find God’s truth at all cost was paramount. Looking back on all the past events, I can clearly see that being in the wilderness was the only way I was able to stop, put aside all the daily distractions and focus my attention in order to see and understand what the Father was showing me “as it is written.” Now of course, it has become apparent that this will not be an overnight fix. At the end of my letter to God, I wrote, “At this point, I don’t seem to have everything in focus yet and I know there will be days I will have tears and days I will feel hurt and lonely, but I refuse to quit!” One thing I know with certainty, I will feel better one day at a time as I choose to continue to be a kingdom woman living out my kingdom’s call with You.

I asked the Father to help me be completely content where I was planted in that time and comfort me in my loneliness for human interaction. I finished by saying, “I love you Father. Thank you for hearing me and wiping away my tears inside and out”. I then ended with, “I am betrothed to You.”

It has taken several years of seeking clarity to clear the weeds from my soul and spirit but because I committed my whole heart to the search, the Father has shown me where the weeds came from and how they made their way in. My Father, through His word, prepared an immaculate field and sowed fresh seeds of truth into my soul. The most wonderful thing about this unexpected adventure has been the Father’s tender attention to my soul and spirit as I continue to seek Him in everything I pursue and glorify Him in all He reveals which is His truth. I have learned that human reasoning will never free the soul. Believing we can rely on human reasoning to find our way in a fallen world is a lie that leads to frustration and justification because we are only temporary visitors here. Human reasoning is a pathway to corruption and destruction of the soul and spirit which leads to hate, anger and confusion at every turn, and never “choosing” to seek a way out. Those who do choose to seek a way out, will find that God has a free gift from a heart of pure love, forgiveness, truth and peace for you. This gift is the life sustaining truth He has always intended for you. And He has gracefully and mercifully provided it through His only Son, Jesus Christ. We must choose to feed the soul with God’s truth through His Word, “as it is written” in order to set the soul free and allow the spirit to thrive.

To date, the work that God has done in and through me spiritually is nothing short of amazing and merciful. I have learned more in 3 years than I have in all of my years of serving in the church. It is true what the scripture says, “Man doesn’t have to teach you; God will through His Holy Spirit and His word.” (John 14:25 & 1 Corinthian 3:13). In fact, through this journey, I’ve learned in a profound way that in order for Father to help me, He needed me to stop and give Him “quality time,” not rushing through a devotion or hurridly reading a chapter to fullfil an obligation, or listening with half a ear to hear, but to commit to truly “hear” and “listen” to Him and Him alone so that He, through the Holy Spirit could teach and reveal to me what He Himself wanted me to know, understand and follow.

My heart was in the right place, when I was serving Him in the pastm but I devoted so much time and effort to serving that my quality time with my Father was stolen which caused me to miss hearing and listening to everything He had to say or show me. I honestly believed I had been doing all the right things. I never believed or was taught one could ever over-do God’s work. In truth, I was guilty of having a Mary heart in a Martha world! Unfortunately, there are many Mary’s out there doing things they believe are worthy and righteous in His eyes, but what we’re really doing is allowing the Father’s time to be stolen and replaced by busyness and that includes the church work! I became so busy in accomplishing the work of the church that I had failed to see “all” the red flags that were around me. I must admit, I had seen and felt something wasn’t quite right at times, but I had been taught to not complain, but serve willingly and cheerfully and believed if I expressed my feelings about the demands of service I would be deemed as a person with a “critical spirit”, Sadly, corruption and deception were right in front of me and I passed it by because of a lie I had believed. We fail to realize that many churches today have lost their first love and have chosen to focus on replacing the gospel with scripture twisted to fit their false narrative, accompanied by pageantry, musical productions, promises of prospertiy, healing rooms, lifestyle classes, volunteering and so on, to keep you from seeking the real heart- to-heart quality time with God and His word. Rather than seeking the authentic promises of God, we have embraced the lies and deception masquerading as truth.

The congregation becomes so mesmerized by this alternative culture, they have created that they fail to check what the scriptures say about what they’ve produced. Most church goers will discuss how wonderful the costumes, lights and music were, but never stop to consider whether what they saw or heard was scriptural or not. I allowed the demands of traditions, functions, and the pressures of performance to dominate my spiritual life, and strived to do more (works) rather than seeking to find out what our Father says about it each time. Had I done so, I could have saved myself a great deal of unnecessary spiritual brokenness.

From a sincere heart, I have repented and asked for forgiveness. Just because something looks good and sounds good doesn’t mean it is good. Look what happened to Adam and Eve. I implore you to get rid of your self-appointed calendars that could very well leave you spiritually dehydrated, unfulfilled and in many cases deceived. Only the preeminent love that my Father has for me allowed me to become broken through despair, loneliness and confusion. I was pushed beyond the edge of my human reasoning and found myself alone in silence without any thoughts. I was left with no recourse for my rescue but to sit with Him and Him alone. God knew that being completely emptied was the only way that I would be able to hear Him and see clearly. Once he had me where He needed me to be, He could then speak to me and I could clearly hear His beautiful whisper and felt His Word invade my soul with His wisdom and knowledge to set me free from the lies I had been fed by pastors and teachers manipulating the scriptures to fit their agendas. I’m profoundly thankful for the Father’s mercy and grace which removed me from that empty place on the path to nowhere. You see, mercy says; “No, I’m not going to let you go”. He knows my “heart” and all that I have been going through mentally, emotionally and spiritually even when I didn’t understand or see it all. As crazy as this all looked to others at the time, I knew in my “heart” that laying aside human reasoning and certain influences, including the church I had attended for 11 years, and all those who were connected to it, was the right thing to do. God doesn’t seem reasonable to us at times. However, knowing that the Father and His ways are for you, not against you, makes the choice to proceed easier, even when it looks and sounds beyond sane.

I pray that sharing my unexpected journey will encourage you to let the world go, to give up it’s ways and choose to cultivate the desire you have for Him within you. I hope and pray you will step out and commit to being more than you ever dreamed you could be. Having a breathtaking relationship with the Father may seem foreign to some, but to reject a love like the Father’s would be a terrible lost opportunity. Our Father is the only One who knows the deepest parts of your being and He longs to walk with you down the path to your destiny “heart to heart.” It won’t come easy my sweet Sister, for there is a price to pay for this beautiful dance with your Father, and that price is called, sacrifice! All of you for all of Him. Please understand that this pathway isn’t for those who ride on both sides of the road, but rather it is reserved for the broken and contrite of “heart” whose desperation finds them longing for something pure, something of worth, something of great value and most of all, something eternal.

This world we live in cannot see the nor little understand the merit of this journey and will do its best to drag you back into its comforts and familiarity at all cost. But while we may live in the world, but we are not of this world. We are to be “set apart” and choosing the life promised by God will soon have you understanding that you have committed to be the change that will reap the most fruitful of days. When y0u chose to believe in His Son and walk in His ways, you are no longer betrothed to the world, you are betrothed to the Father, who longs to meet you daily for breakfast, lunch and dinner. When dining with the Father, you will never thirst or hunger again, for His provisions are beyond pure and will satisfy the soul continually. Knowing this, will you choose to be a “kingdom woman living out your kingdom’s call? “Will His most excellent way be your commitment to fill and strengthen your soul, spirit and body for yourself and others? Will you allow the rain to come and cleanse you, leaving you able to see the rainbow, the flowers in full bloom and the feel the radiant colors saturate every fiber of your being?

If so, God says, “Come!” Embrace My grace, embrace My truth; The truth that will bring you My peace and true love from within, preparing your soul and spirit to embark on a journey to a life of excellence through wisdom, knowledge and obedience. You will become the change for yourself and for those who are lost and crying out in the wilderness for a Savior. Seek Him in everything and glorify Him in all things…His truth!

This is my kingdom story, this is my song, praising my Father & Savior all the day long.

Shalom, From A Daughter After God’s Own Heart,

Karen Pyle

My Father’s Girl & Blessed Servant